Even after four years in this city, I still feel like an outsider sometimes. I’m learning how to make connections here.
At first I thought it was a language barrier and I told myself “Once my language improves it’ll be better”. Then, after reaching the high-intermediate level of German still didn’t help, I thought it was a clash of cultures. Slowly I started adopting more of the local ways of behaving. But still, I feel like I can’t break into the local community.
The words “Deport. Deport. Deport.” have recently appeared on signs around the city. It’s really gotten under my skin but I refuse to give in. As long as I feel like an outsider, I’ll definitely remain an outsider.
So, if you too feel like an outsider, I want to offer you some of my favourite ways to relax, stay calm and make connections despite the challenges. Because you matter, no matter what you think right now.
Why Connection Matters
You know it. I know it. We ALL know it.
Connection matters. But why? Because we need it.
We humans are surprisingly simple animals. Our bodies and our minds (which, yes, are definitely still part of our bodies!) need connection. Meaningful connections reduce our stress levels, increase our sense of calm and confidence. And you know what? That improves our overall health.
Yep. Loneliness can lead to increased risks of a whole host of chronic health issues, including cardiovascular disease and Dimentia.
Health aside, it just feels nice not to be alone. We’ll be leading long lives, so why not enjoy it?
Sometimes a lack of connection can increase our feelings of homesickness.
Read my tips for overcoming homesickness here.
What do I mean by connection?
Connection can be boiled down to a fairly easy definition:
Having people who will miss you when you’re not around.
It might be a casual acquaintance at the gym who notices you’re not at your regular training session. Or maybe your sister calls you non-stop when you’ve missed your usual zoom session. If you’re very lucky, it’s your life-long bestie who remembers every important date in your life.
For me living abroad, it took some time to start building up this network of connections. At first, it was simply the lady at the local bakery who asked after my daughter when she wasn’t with me. That made me feel seen and valued, probably more than this kind woman could ever have known.
Slowly I began making connections through work and through my daughter’s kindergarten.Am I besties with every person I come across? Of course not!
Take this one Mother I enjoy talking with. Our kids are of similar ages, she’s also not from here and she’s lovely. We don’t yet have a deep connection but the ritual of sharing polite exchanges as we drop off or pick up our kids is comforting.
It isn’t easy. To show up, to be vulnerable, to take myself out of the centre of the story? Hui. It’s tough. It takes courage every single day and sometimes, I don’t want to be brave anymore.
How Do I Make Connections? (and how you can too!)
1. Stop Thinking
I know. It sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But sometimes overthinking is our problem.
Get out of your own head.
Did the other person look at you funny, or are projecting your own insecurities? Do you really sound stupid or are you just being over critical of yourself?
Let me tell you about the lovely Mother I chat with. After about a week of our casual chats, I felt like she was being less than enthused by our conversations. Her responses were a little shorter than usual; her responses slower.
Of course, like a mature adult, I decided that she didn’t like and my continued insistence on speaking with her was actually just driving her up the wall.
She was, I’d realised, just too polite to ignore me (and she couldn’t avoid me!).
But then (of course, there’s a but coming!) I had an intriguing thought. If I feel insecure and awkward about speaking in German, maybe she felt the same way?
And hold on a second. I really struggle to switch languages when my kids are around. Maybe she does too?
The very next week, she shared with me that her youngest had been keeping her up most nights as he adjusted to being in childcare. *Aha!*
My own thoughts and perception had created this situation which, well, wasn’t a situation at all.
Every interaction has the potential to go wrong. Thinking that it will go wrong, or that it’s going terribly or worst of all, avoiding interaction in the first place has a 100% chance of going wrong.
Avoid self-sabotage. Let go of your plan about how you thought this might go. Breathe. You’ve got this!
2. It’s just a moment in time
This isn’t supposed to be demotivating. Quite the opposite! Let this truth free you.
If you can’t nail down step one and quit thinking, then move quickly into this step: this is just one of many interactions you’ll have today.
Just a moment in time.
Like that one time I tried to order bread from the bakery and the lady just couldn’t figure out what I wanted. I felt so humiliated and embarrassed. I couldn’t let it go! This terrible interaction haunted me for months (and still does).
On the odd chance that your interaction was a spectacular failure (which it wasn’t, by the way!) remind yourself this stone-cold truth: that isn’t the last time I’ll speak to them.
It’s easier said than done, I know. But like any skill, it gets easier with practice.
In the most dire of circumstances when you just really, REALLY can’t let it go, then quick – it’s straight onto my third tip.
3. It’s not all about you
For me, this is the one I struggle with the most.
In my head, thinking about my interactions, of course it’s all about me.
But it’s not. It’s about the both of us. Me and the person I’m interacting with. Making connections is a two-way street.
The sooner you remind yourself of that, the sooner you’re free to simply be.
Did that person act strange with you because you said that one thing that came out in the wrong tone and now they most definitely never want to speak to you again?
Or more probably, like my new school-gate bestie, she’d just had a rough night with her kids and was exhausted. Because it’s not all about you.
Whatever you have going on in your life and in your head, stop for a moment and remember this: the other person has stuff going on too. If they seem different, why not ask them if they’re ok?
The best way to build a connection is to invest in it. Care for it. Be generous toward it.
Look After Yourself
And there you have it. My three top tips for when you’re feeling like an outsider.
Be gentle on yourself. Go slow. Be Kind.
When in doubt, just breathe. Everything will become clear again.
Now, get out there and make some connections, you beautiful person!
And why not connect with me here? Let me know in the comments how you’ve overcome feeling like an outsider.
