Living abroad is the worst.
It’s not fun. It’s not glamorous and it is most definitely not always Instagrammable.
But weirdly, it gets better.
Read on for the top three reasons living abroad is the worst and how I’ve overcome them.
If you take away only one thing from this post, it should be this:
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Is living abroad really that bad?
Yes.
No.
I mean, sometimes.
Living abroad is so complicated that there’s no way to fully explain it. You just have to live it.
It’s hard. It’s not the Instagram, glamorous adventure we’ve all been fed.
It can be lonely.
IT IS ALL SO DIFFERENT FROM HOME!
There’s no easy comfort to be found by being in a familiar environment, with familiar people or a familiar routine.
Every day we have to learn something new.
And be brave.
Thinking about moving abroad? Get your FREE workbook to help you make the decision that’s right for you.
What’s my story?
I’ve been living in Dresden, Germany with my family for nearly four years now.
I’ve learned a lot about myself, people and the world.
You can read more about my story here.
Dresden, despite its stunning Old City and our family connections, is not always the most welcoming corner to settle in.
Do you remember the key takeaway from this post? Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
What’s so different?
1. Social interactions
I’m an outwardly friendly person. I will smile at anyone I meet on the street and engage happily in small talk. But none of that happens here.
Here, smiling at strangers results in people staring at you like you’ve got cake on your face.
I didn’t know how to interact with people and for a social worker who thrives from social interaction, I felt (and still do sometimes) completely lost.
2. Bureaucracy
If you’d like a side of paperwork with your main course of forms to complete, Germany is your spirit home.
It was a massive adjustment for me to suddenly need help to complete bureaucratic tasks.
And this is true of all foreign countries. These boring but important necessities of adult-life are different in every country.
Even if you have no language barrier, the conceptual understanding of how government agencies are connected and which is responsible for what takes time to learn.
3. Learning a language
Daily, intensive classes for a year. It was gruelling.
If you’ve never learnt a foreign language, I can say that this is the best way to acquire the skills. However, it’s impact on other areas of your life is extreme.
While I was learning German, I lost almost all of my other executive functions. My memory was shot, I was always tired and I could not focus on anything.
Through all of this, I was still aspiring to be an amazing Mum who maintained a stable home for my kids.
Even though I felt like I was spinning out of control.
It was a lot.
But.
And there is a but.
Most days I’ve felt like I’ve been just surviving. But now, after more than three years, I feel like I’m thriving again.
Finally, I’m confident enough in German to manage everyday tasks and bureaucracy alone. Heck, I’m now working in German!
I have built a social network of both international and local women, taking me out of my loneliness and isolation.
And we’re now a family of four.
So before I explain why living abroad is the worst, I just wanted to let you know that it’s not always going to feel like that.
But don’t forget – you’re going to have to get uncomfortable along the way.
What You Should Know About Living Abroad
Before you take the leap and move abroad, here are my 3 reasons why living abroad is the worst!
And if you’re already abroad, I’d love to read about your experiences. Have I forgotten something about living away from home? Or have you only had good experiences?
1. No one cares who you are
No one knows you here.
You don’t have a history with the locals.
There are no long-standing friendships here to fall back on.
It’s probable that you also have a very small professional network to rely on, if any at all.
It’s a weird position to be in. You’re confronted with having to build your identity and reputation again from scratch but without the support, you probably had back home as a young adult.
And thinking “But I’m trying really hard!” doesn’t help, because so is everyone else.
This is the phase that nearly broke me. The realisation that this wasn’t going to be easy. That actually, this was going to be really hard.
And that’s when my homesickness arrived. The worst I had ever experienced (and I’ve never really been one to get homesick!)
If you’re feeling homesick as a parent abroad, you can read my 7 Tips for you here.
IT WON’T ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS!
In Social Work, we have the motto lean into the discomfort.
As a professional, I can tell you that it’s not easy to lean in when every part of your body and mind wants to get up and run.
Personally, it’s even harder. Especially when you’re living abroad. You don’t have anywhere to run to!
In only three years, I have expanded my social circle beyond just my family.
It takes time.
But one day, you’ll look back and realise it’s not so difficult anymore.
Then you know you’ve made it.
What helps?
- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
- Lean in.
- Don’t give up.
- Remember why you moved abroad.
- Take everything day-by-day and bit-by-bit.
2. Life is exhausting
Every day you need to learn something new.
We’re getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Constant learning is exhausting.
Sure, you might not have to learn a language like I did, but it’s not just language that you need to learn.
- How will you get around? Maybe you need to learn how to drive on the other side of the road or figure out how the trams, buses and trains operate.
- You’ll need to find your way around the city. Where is your home relative to work, school and leisure activities?
- Figure out the health and education systems. How do they work, how do you register for their services and what are your obligations?
- Follow the procedures of the local authorities, whatever they might be.
- Decide where to live and if you will rent or buy or live in a share house or an apartment or a house and which part of your new city is a good fit for you and your family?
- Find a job in an unknown professional market.
And so much more.
If you’ve moved with kids, you need to manage all of this while maintaining a stable home for your kids.
Cognitive science backs up my experience of exhaustion during this transition phase.
The tasks that we undertake every day on autopilot are important times when our conscious brain gets a little rest.
The 2003 study by Stephen Monsell (2003) found that creating habitual behaviours can lead to increased cognitive function.
So, we can invert this and agree that the reduction of habitual behaviours may decrease our cognitive capacity.
Our brains need routine.
Learning new stuff is tiring.
So, when you’re constantly having to learn new things, you’ll have very few of these autopilot moments in a day.
What helps?
- Expect to do less each day in the first months in your new home.
- Concentrate on what you can control.
- Break every challenge into smaller steps and take just one step a day.
3. You’re not who you think you are
Straight up.
You are not who you think you are.
Are you ready to feel uncomfortable? Because this is probably the most uncomfortable part!
And you know why?
We create our identities and understand ourselves in relation to those around us.
Sociologist George Herbert Mead shared through his many lectures his idea that our identity isn’t fixed but is constantly changing and evolving through our interactions with others. We only think our identity is fixed because we’re engaging with (mostly) the same people who reflect our view of ourselves.
Now that you’re living abroad, suddenly you’re no longer around those same people. You’re now confronted with people who reflect different ideas about who you are and these might not match your ideas about who you are.
We’re getting comfortable being uncomfortable and this part of living abroad is the masterclass!
For me, the only familiar folk I had were my husband and children, nut our family dynamic was suddenly so drastically altered, I couldn’t recognise myself. My view of myself as a capable, strong and independent woman was shaken.
Expect your ideas about who you are to be challenged and changed.
It’s cliche, but you’re about to learn a lot about who you are, who you were and who you’re becoming.
Moving to Germany has humbled me and transformed how I view myself.
It wasn’t a pleasant process, by the way.
Having a solid and clearly defined why was the anchor that stopped me from being swept away in the torrent of changes.
What helps?
- Talk to people at home as regularly as you can to remember your old self and honour her.
- Accept the new version of yourself without judgement. Different is not good or bad, it’s just different.
- I found journalling really helpful. Just jotting down the changes I’d noticed in myself cleared my confusion and worry about who I was.
- Avoid dwelling on these changes. Notice them without judgement and let them go. You’re one step from a full-blown existential crisis here and you do not need one fo those while getting your life abroad sorted out.
And there you have it.
Living abroad can sometimes be the worst. But it won’t stay that way.
The challenges of having no connections, learning new stuff every day and discovering your new self will pass.
But it is work.
Work at it each day and bit by bit you’ll find your new life flourishing around you.
It’s hard to be comfortable with being uncomfortable!
But you’ve got this.
Need some more support in your new life abroad?
If you’re looking for a few more resources to help you find your groove in your new life abroad, check out these resources.
1. Atomic Habits by James Clear.
In his book, James Clear has delved into the research and offers us the building blocks to reshape our habits.
This book (and audiobook, if you don’t have time to sit and read!) gave me clarity about what my challenges were and easy step-by-step guide about how to overcome them.
And he makes it so easy!
His website is also a treasure trove of articles and resources to support your journey of getting clear-headed and organised. Enjoy!
2. The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo
This stunning novella is a short read but packs a punch.
The story follows a young shepherd boy’s adventure to find his treasure and the challenges he overcomes on his journey.
It is poignant and heartwarming. The metaphor for life is radiant and it brings me comfort and joy every time I read it.
Head here to read more about this book and to buy your own copy.
Is this your experience living abroad? Let me know in the comments below!
