Am I making a terrible mistake?
Is this really what I wanted?
What if my children never again visit my home?
These were my thoughts, racing through my mind as we sped down the runway, finally departing for our new life as a family in Germany.
After years of planning and months of being stalled, we were finally taking off.
And it felt like every piece of optimism, excitement and hope that had been my motivation was gone.
Was moving abroad right the right decision for me?
Was it worth it?
Did we make the right decision?
Happily, I can report that it was the right decision for us.
It’s been incredibly challenging.
There have been times when I’ve wanted to just walk to the airport and head home.
But you know what? I’ve come to learn that life would have been challenging at home, too.
It’s just that we can only ever understand the experience that we have had. There’s no point comparing our lived experience with what might have been.
Because it wasn’t.
That might have world doesn’t exist.
So, if you’re in the early stages of figuring out if moving abroad is right for you and your family, then read on for my strategy to make this daunting decision a little easier to manage.
My “who, what, where, when, how long and why” strategy for decision-making will leave you with a clearer sense of what’s right for you.
So grab a drink and a pen and turn your phone to silent. It’s time to make some decisions!
How to decide if moving abroad is right for you
Moving abroad can be terrifying, exhilarating and lonely.
Maybe it’s a dream come true! Or perhaps you’re moving to meet the needs of others.
Whatever your situation, it’s a huge decision for your family.
This decision will have far-reaching consequences for you and your family.
But how do you know if it’s right for you?
There is no wrong answer to this question.
We all bring our values about family into making this decision. Our ideas of what it means to be a family, our career aspirations, and the life we want for our children are all examples of what might come up for you while trying to decide if moving abroad is right for you.
Each is unique to your circumstances.
When making life-changing decisions, we can only do our best with what we’ve got.
Whatever decision you make will be the right one for your family.
Do you know why?
We always work to make our decisions serve us.
So, if you’re looking for a cheat sheet to take out the hard part of this decision-making process, I’m afraid I can’t offer that.
But I can offer a method for breaking down the problem and considering it from all angles to assist you in finding the best outcome for you.
Who, what, when, where and why?
These are the questions that we’re going to consider throughout this post.
They seem simple because they are.
Don’t let yourself become overwhelmed by the enormity of moving abroad.
First, we’ll break it down into manageable, everyday questions.
This allows you to find clarity among the noise, the nagging questions and your doubts.
This post is not trying to convince you to move abroad!
The experience of living abroad is something I’d never change for my family.
But it’s not for everyone. It doesn’t have to be.
Read more about what I hate about living abroad here.
I aim to simplify the decision-making process to help you decide if a move abroad is right for you.
I hope it offers clarity and reduces any anxiety.
Grab a pen and scribble your answers down to these questions. Do it alone or as a couple!
WHO will moving abroad serve?
First things first.
It’s not just you anymore, is it?
You’ve got a family to consider.
So let’s put them in focus for a moment and consider who a move abroad will serve.
And it’s ok if it serves you!
But we need to be clear on who gets what benefits from this move.
For my family, the decision to move abroad served each of us differently. For my children, they built relationships with their paternal family. My husband returned home.
And absolutely, a part of it was nothing more than my ego.
I wanted to live in Europe.
It’s not always going to be so clear-cut.
Take your time in making this decision to ensure you do what’s right for you.
If you’re interested in reading more about my story, you can read it here.
WHAT do you want to achieve by moving abroad?
Now that you have a clearer idea about who a move abroad will serve, it’s time to consider what you want to achieve through your move.
Of course, the who and the what two are intimately linked. You should have an overlap between your answers for each of these sections.
Will you be moving abroad with your family to be closer to family or friends?
Is your aim of moving to pursue a specific work opportunity?
Maybe there’s an area of study available to you there that is impossible in your home country?
Get clear on what you want to achieve in the new country.
Whatever you hope to achieve by moving abroad with your family, you need to know it when the going gets tough abroad.
Living abroad can sometimes be hard and lonely.
And it’s helpful to have a clear idea of what you want to achieve to look back on when the going gets tough.
For me, there were three ‘whats’ we wanted our family to achieve:
- Children experience life in Germany with their paternal family.
- Me to learn German.
- For us to see what life is like here.
Happily, I can report that we’ve now achieved all three ‘whats’.
But having those three ‘whats’ clearly articulated allowed me to keep on when life here got me down.
WHERE will you move?
If you’re already reading this post, you’ve probably already got a good idea of where you might move.
If you have family somewhere, then that place is an obvious option for your family to move to.
We, for example, never considered anywhere other than Dresden. If we wanted our children to have a relationship with their paternal family (our ‘what’), then why move to another city?
But where exactly?
What do you know about the city?
Are there different areas of the city, some that have a better fit for families?
Where are there schools, kindergartens, sporting clubs and other international families that you can easily integrate with?
These considerations can change your perspective and help you decide if moving abroad is right for you and your family.
Of course, in your early considerations of moving abroad with your family, you probably won’t have all these details figured out.
But start to get specific now.
The sooner you get lost in the weeds deciding where you will move, the sooner you’ll have a reliable set of ideas to inform your decision-making.
So start researching now.
Some ideas to help:
- Google “best place for international families [your prospective city]” and see what others have experienced.
- Join Facebook groups of international families in your desired city and ask the question: where should we move to?
- Search for information for foreign families published by the city you’re interested in moving to.
In my experience, other international families have always been happy to share their knowledge and experiences with newcomers to the community.
And you know what? If you move to the city, you’ve already made social contacts.
WHEN will you move?
You might not have any influence on when you will move.
If you’re moving for a job, you may have to start on a predetermined date.
But in other cases, you can determine what suits your family.
Things to consider include:
- How long will it take to plan and execute our plan?
- If your children are of school age, which time of year makes the most sense for their transition?
- Will you both secure jobs before you arrive in your new city?
- How long will it take in your new country to secure appropriate accommodation?
- What’s the visa process required for your family to relocate?
- Do you want to travel around your new country before settling into your new life?
- Are there any pressure points requiring you to move quickly? Your new job or family commitments, for example.
- Will you offer your children additional settling-in time before they commence school or kindergarten?
- Will you need additional time before moving to ensure everything is in order?
Understanding the when of your move will strongly influence your decision about whether moving abroad is right for you and your family.
Despite your best efforts, sometimes the world will make it clear when you’ll be relocating.
We had everything planned, packed and ready to go to depart Australia on March 30, 2020.
Then we were stranded for six months at my Grandmother’s home in Melbourne thanks to Covid.
You can’t control everything but having a plan gives us the feeling of control that we need when we’re deciding if moving abroad is right for us.
HOW LONG will you live abroad?
The question of how long is central when considering if moving abroad with your family is right for you.
And of course, the reasons for your move will determine this.
Maybe you have a time-limited contract and will reside abroad only for its duration.
On the other hand, maybe you have no intention of ever returning.
Or like us, maybe you’ve decided to test life out in your new home for a few years with the agreement to revisit this question at specific time intervals.
As a family, you all must understand the plan from the start.
Plans will change and that’s ok.
But when you embark on this journey, plan how long you expect to reside in your new community.
How you create your new life will depend on how long you expect to reside there.
For example, if you know you’re only going to reside there for six months, then maybe you won’t make much effort to engage socially.
Get this point clear now.
From the start, we planned to reside in Dresden for three to five years. Here we are, already nearing four years, and we’re no closer to deciding where we’ll be “settling down”.
Whatever that means.
WHY are you moving?
Typically, getting people to think about their Why is where I’d start in any decision-making process.
Articulating the ‘why’ is often the most difficult part.
So for this decision, I’ve left it until last.
Because you already have some pieces of the puzzle, they can help you clearly articulate your why.
Your why might be different from your partner’s. That’s ok.
But you need to talk about it together.
You need to find your why, but also the why of your family.
So, maybe your why is “because I’ve got this great job opportunity”.
But you need to go deeper.
Why is moving my family abroad for a job beneficial to us?
Think about what you’ve written down for your who, what, where, when and how long to bring together your why.
Your why matters because once you’re living abroad with your family, this is the reason that you’ll return to every time things get hard.
And they will get hard.
The why will remain the story you tell yourself and each other about why you made this decision for your family.
It will also play a huge role in deciding if moving abroad with your family is right for you.
Your why, in short, is everything. So get clear on it.
Decision Time
So, is moving abroad right for you?
Remember that there are no wrong answers and no wrong decisions.
What is right for you might not be right for someone else.
But be honest with yourself and your family.
I hope you’ve found this useful and I wish you all the best in your decision-making.
Have you moved abroad with your family? How did you decide if moving abroad was right for you? Do you have any tips?
Let me know in the comments below.
