It’s the most wonderful time of the year but I just cannot be bothered!
I’m cranky.
The Christmas carols sound weird in German.
The food is too heavy.
The weather is terrible!
Am I a Grinch? No. I just really miss my Christmas traditions.
I’m a homesick parent abroad, doing my best to give my kids the magic of Christmas but fighting my own battle at the same time.
If you’re feeling homesick as a parent abroad, read on for my 7 Tips to get you moving confidently into your new life.
So, what is homesickness?
In short, the feeling of homesickness is the result of stressors related to being away from home.
Homesickness is typically believed to show itself in any of these four levels:
Emotional: feelings of longing for the familiar or the loss of home.
Cognitive: being preoccupied or distracted by thoughts of home or people we miss.
Social: withdrawal and avoiding contact with people in your new city.
Bodily: the loss of weight, for example.
Shirley Fisher, in her landmark study, hypothesised that individuals who have moved from a familiar home environment to a new one experience a period of loss of control. She suggests that for a time after the move, an individual will be helpless as they come to grips with their new surroundings.
Others have described homesickness is the result of a person’s changing role when they arrive in their new location. It has also been described as the result of interruption that we experience by relocating.
Despite the anecdotal prevalence of homesickness among foreign families, homesickness is not diagnosable. It is not defined medically as a syndrome or disorder.
It is, therefore, possible to experience one or more symptom of what we generally regard to be homesickness, which present no real cause.
Anxiety, depression and overwhelm have been reported to be common experiences of people as they attempt to build their new life in a new environment.
If you are struggling with any of these things, please seek medical support immediately!
My Tips are for educational purposes only.
It’s interesting to note that the majority of research into homesickness has been conducted on the impact of separation from home on children. Not on adults.
While some insight from this research can be applied to our experiences as homesick parents abroad, I’m drawing on a combination of this literature, my professional knowledge of parents and my own experience of homesickness.
Feeling homesick as a parent abroad is different for everyone
Do not compare your feelings to your partner or other families.
It is entirely unique.
Like your family, your experience of moving abroad is unique. Everything that it takes to pack up a life in one place and rebuild it in another will be individual to your family’s circumstances.
What you miss about home might be different to your partner.
You might never experience feeling homesick as a parent abroad!
For me, the feeling of homesickness comes in waves. Sometimes several weeks or months will pass without experiencing any pangs of longing for home.
But then suddenly it comes.
And I have to admit that the longer I’m away, the less often I suffer from homesickness.
TO BE CLEAR.
Underscoring every one of my seven tips for you is one thing:
Be kind to yourself.
Whether you’ve moved for work or family reasons, your experience on the other side of this adventure probably won’t be what you expected.
And different does NOT mean bad!
But moving abroad is never a smooth process. Building a new life is never linear.
So when you’re really in the trenches of feeling homesick as a parent abroad, remember this:
You would never be unkind to your best friend who felt homesick.
So show yourself the same compassion and take this adventure step-by-step.
Is your little one showing signs of being homesick? Read my post about helping them here.
My 7 Tips
(and bonus reflection activities)
I’ve created these tips for you to take and use immediately.
The mini-reflections at the end of each tip have been designed to encourage you to take proactive steps to manage feeling homesick as a parent abroad.
Take one or take them all.
No matter what kind of homesickness you’re experiencing, I know that something here will offer you the control you need to have over your own life.
Now get a pen and paper! It’s time to read and jot down some of your own ideas.
1. Give yourself permission to rest
I know. I know. You have to do it all and you have to do it now.
“Who’ll get it all done if I take a break?”, I hear you saying.
But who will get it all done if you break?
Feeling homesick needs to be treated as any other sickness, with rest, kindness and love.
Feeling homesick might be a fleeting feeling of longing for something from home.
Maybe a familiar scent in the air reminds you of your grandmother’s garden.
But it can also be a significant stress on your body.
There is evidence to suggest that the feeling of homesickness may be a similar process to that of grief.
If you’re carrying this burden around without rest, you will burn out.
Don’t forget that this is in addition to everything you’re already carrying: the mental and physical load of parenting and the emotional upheaval of building a life in a foreign country.
But you already know that.
Your family needs you.
Most importantly, you deserve to be well.
Take the pressure off yourself as much as you can.
Give yourself space to feel what you’re feeling.
It is ok to miss home, its familiarity and your people.
You’ll regain your emotional and physical strength and then you can get back in the ring to be the amazing parent you know you are.
But for now, just rest.
Activity Time
Using my list below, write down one thing that you can do TODAY to help you rest, relax and reset.
Here are a few of my favourite ways to rest when I just don’t have time!
- Box breathing: Breathe in through your nose for four seconds, hold it for 4 seconds and breathe out through your mouth for four seconds.
- Stretching: If you don’t have the time or motivation for a full yoga session, come back into your body easily by simply stretching up tall for a few seconds. The more often you can work this into your day, the better.
- Podcasts that have nothing to do with my life: when I can, I love listening to History podcasts about the ancient world. Why? It reminds me that the world will always change. It’s also nice not to think about my own life for a bit.
2. Focus on what is in your Control
Sometimes, the feeling of homesickness as a parent abroad can stem from feeling out of control.
In a foreign environment, we can lose our sense of autonomy.
Maybe you don’t yet speak the local language.
Perhaps you’re adjusting to changed work opportunities in your new home.
Or your relationship dynamic has shifted since the move.
These were the three things that gave me sharp pangs of homesickness nearly daily in the first year of living abroad.
I felt hopeless and like nothing was within my power.
We can’t change everything, but we can start by focusing on what’s in our control.
Activity Time
Write down five things you can do TODAY to change increase your sense of control over your own situation.
These things might include:
- Completing these reflective exercises.
- Sharing my feelings with my partner.
- Calling someone from home and sharing your struggles with them.
- Speaking with my children only in our native language.
- Cooking my favourite food from home.
- Watch something from home, read a book or listen to a podcast from home.
- Start a conversation with another parent at school or childcare.
- Join a Facebook group for international families/ mothers/ women/ professionals in your new city.
- Investigate local gyms/ yoga studios/ sport teams that interest me.
Commit to doing these five things TODAY.
3. Create Routine
As a parent, you already know this.
Routine is everything.
The household just works when everyone knows what to expect.
And the science backs this up!
Our brains need predictability.
The more routine we have in our lives, the more energy our brains have for devoting to solving life’s problems, being creative or just being.
But moving house, especially abroad, changes the rhythm of our family for a while.
Be patient with yourselves as you settle into your new home and new life.
As soon as you can, set a daily routine for your family.
The aim is not to be controlling or to cancel any fun or spontaneity. Instead, having a routine will give you more energy, because things will just work.
Parenting is hard. Juggling work and family is exhausting.
Living abroad with kids? It is next level!
Every day requires you to be courageous and humble, while constantly learning.
So, set a routine. Let the daily stuff roll so that you can use your energy conquer every new challenge.
And don’t forget to add rest time to your routines!
Activity Time
- Write down 10 things that must happen in your home every day.
- Put them in order.
- Use this list as a prompt to help you establish routines in your home.
4. Schedule contact with home
While you’re busy putting together your new routine, don’t forget to include times to contact home.
Anecdotally, I’ve heard mixed stories about the benefits of contacting home while we’re feeling homesick.
For me, hearing the voice of a loved one always grounds me. I finish our conversation feeling more confident and ready to take on any challenge.
I feel like me again.
For others, I’ve heard that contact with home has the exact opposite effect on them.
You know what’s best for you and your family.
If being in regular contact with home helps, then do it.
Sometimes knowing that you’ll see your best friend or closest family member in a few days on a video call might just get you through those tough days in between.
Like much of living abroad, this might be a case of trial and error.
Test out different way to communicate, and different times of the day or week to see what serves you and your family.
Activity Time
- Name the top three emotions you’re experiencing right now.
- Think of the person or people in your life who can best support these feelings.
- Schedule a time to speak with them. Messenger and WhatsApp are convenient, but sometimes a conversation is better.
For example:
“I am feeling lost and directionless. My best friend will remind me of my why and what my skills are. I’ll call her next week.”
5. Connect with the international community in your city
Most cities will have an international community hiding among the locals.
Find them.
This community may include folk from all over the world or it might be people from your home country.
In my experience, I’ve had the good fortune to experience both: connection with other foreign Mothers from all over the world and those from my home.
I’ve learnt so much from both about life, parenting and feeling homesick as a parent abroad.
These people do not need to become your lifelong besties. But they might.
In my experience, connecting with the international community can:
- Offer emotional and social support when I’m struggling with homesickness;
- be a priceless source of local knowledge for everything from where to buy children’s clothes to how the transport system works;
- allow you to build a network, socially and professionally;
- have family meet-ups or parent groups where your native language is spoken.
If nothing else, these groups allow you to meet other people who are going through the same thing as you.
Feeling homesick as a parent abroad can be so lonely but you don’t need to do it alone.
Activity Time
- Search Facebook for local groups and join them. Try searching “International Families in [your city]” and see what you find.
- Your choice: Introduce yourself to the group or ask a question. Just make a connection!
6. Share your struggles with other Mums
Now that you’ve found other international families, it’s time to open up.
Yes. It’s hard! And it will take time.
Living in a foreign country means you have to be brave every day. I get it. I’m living it too.
But here’s the thing:
A worry shared is a worry halved.
A joy shared is a joy doubled.
I know you already know this, deep down.
You also know that other mums get it.
They understand the pressures of parenting and the juggle of work and family.
These women also understand the exact challenges that you’re experiencing in your new home. The way locals interact with one another, their approach to parenting, the bureaucracy. They get it because they’ve struggled too.
So be open. Share your struggles and your wins.
You don’t have to do this alone.
Activity Time
- Name a parent you’ve met in your new home.
- Stop comparing your experience to theirs. They’re just at a different stage of their journey!
- Reach out to them. Make a date for coffee or schedule a play date for your kids.
7. Don’t hide it from your Kids
This one might seem counterintuitive, but hear me out.
Hiding how we’re feeling is exhausting.
AND we know that children learn how to manage their big, challenging feelings by watching us do it.
So.
What if we could save energy AND model effective management of being homesick?
Let’s try to normalise the challenge of living away from home.
In our household, we refer to Germany as our “now home” and Australia as our “other home”.
At Christmas time, when I feel the most homesick as a parent abroad, my girls know that I miss how we do Christmas in our other home.
For me, these feelings show themselves as general grumpiness, increased complaining about the weather (grey, dark and cold – the opposite of an Australian Christmas) and an increased need to have things from Australia.
The kids can see my actions and hear my words. Both of them know something is wrong.
So I name it for them.
“I feel homesick.”
“I’m sorry. I just miss our other home at the moment.”
“Christmas is such an important time for family. I miss our family in our other home.”
It doesn’t have to be complicated.
These simple statements let them know what’s going on for me. They also learn that it is ok to not be ok sometimes.
I’ve also given them a vocabulary to name these feelings and describe them when they experience being homesick in the future.
Activity Time
This is the time, if you haven’t already, to reflect on your own experience of being homesick as a parent abroad.
It is not a time for judgement or comparison.
- Write down how your homesickness shows itself. Are you snappish, distant or unusually disorganised?
- State how this impacts you as a parent. For example, “Being snappish makes me feel guilty for not listening to my kids.”
- Write down a one sentence explanation for why you’ve been like this. For example, “I’m sorry I’m grumpy and not listening to you today. I just really miss our other home today and it’s hard for me to concentrate.”
- When you’re ready and the opportunity presents itself, use your sentence with your kids.
More Tips to Help You Settle In
These seven tips are what you need to start managing feeling homesick as a parent abroad.
But they aren’t everything you need.
Much of what makes us homesick is the difference in our new home compared to our real home. Navigating these culture shocks will take time, energy and patience.
Some things to think about later on are:
- Learning the local language If you’re living in a country where your native language is not the everyday language, learning it will rapidly increase your capacity to be self-reliant and reduce your social isolation.
- Remain open-minded Different is not bad. It’s just, different. When we’re homesick, it’s easier to focus on the differences but focussing on the similarities will help you better manage your homesickness.
- Parenting looks different Turn all judgement and comparison off! There will be a difference between how you parent your child and how it is typically done in your new home. You’re not doing anything wrong by being different.
- Be curious and respectful It’s ok to ask questions! Ask locals how and why they do things the way they do them. But do it respectfully. And remain respectful when locals ask you about your way of life. They’re just curious, too.
Summary
Feeling homesick as a parent abroad should be taken seriously. It has the potential to have a significantly negative impact on you and your family.
Homesickness can show itself in emotionally, cognitively, socially and physically.
Seek professional support if you are struggling with feelings of anxiety or depression.
This post is not medical advice.
By taking the steps I’ve outlined in this post, you will have regained some clarity and control over your own life.
Remember, this isn’t a linear process. Adjusting to your new life will take time and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Come back to these tips anytime and repeat the activities. You might be surprised to find that your answers to the questions change over time, as you adjust to your new life.
RESOURCES
This topic is so huge that I can’t possibly cover it all!
If you’re struggling to adjust to your new home, experiencing feelings of overwhelm, anxiety or depression, please seek professional help.
Online resources include:
- Headspace: an app full of articles and resources. It also has specific support to assist with anxiety and sleep problems. There is a subscription option, offering additional benefits.
- Betterhelp: an app with the option to connect with a professional for mental health support. This is subscription-based but may be an excellent choice if finding talk-therapy in your language is difficult in your current home.
If you’d like to read more of the studies I referred to earlier:
- Here is the article I found the most useful to get a handle on the body of research.
- You can purchase Shirley Fisher’s groundbreaking book Homesickness, Cognition and Health.
Have you dealt with feeling homesick while parenting abroad? Share your experiences and tips in the comments below!
